I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
