We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
