I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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