One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
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