Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
