I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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