i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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