Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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