Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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