I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
