1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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