Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
