i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
