you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
