If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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