im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
