That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
