literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
