My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
