Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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