I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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