Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
