That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
