I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
