I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
