he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
