This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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