Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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