Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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