Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
