i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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