yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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