i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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