Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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