My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize