life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
