She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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