broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
