So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
