Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The best revenge is premature balding
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
