Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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