i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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