Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
