I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
