girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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