Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
