I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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