I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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