please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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