I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
