everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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