Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
