like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
