So drunk its hurt
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
