I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
