god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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