I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
