A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
